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Gift Ideas
The Americans are spending and the Asians are saving. This is not a trend, but a natural law, hard-coded in to the genes as the epicanthal fold or 'God Bless America'. Today I heard a British economist utter the unthinkable - that this 'trend'(!) should change and Americans should do more manufacturing themselves. The radio followed this up with a timely warning to all listeners that they have only a few more gift-buying days left. This can only mean one thing, that the gift buying catastrophe color-level has been upped a point to iphone deep- red, which is a very dangerous place to be, other than California. There is not much left time to shop, let alone manufacture gifts in your garage.
Some catalog companies have been cashing in on this human weakness of all U.S Americans ever since the days USPS was founded and have been coming out with the gifts that really appeal to the people of the New World . I find my eyes moisten with gratitude as I present a few 'can't-do-without' items from one such gift-brochure that make a beeline for mailboxes come December.
Rotating marsh mallow toaster: Move over modified wire hanger, this is the super gadget that marsh mallows have been waiting to be impaled upon and to be taken for a spin while they are getting roasted. For the happy camper or the barbecue chef it cuts the labor involved in roasting marsh mallows by 83.6% percent. This might be a devastating news for those who have been scheming on getting a 'Disabled' license using the disfigurement of their hands caused by s'mores manufacturing as an excuse, but for the rest of us and the bling gang it is a heaven-send just like the
Jeweled Cellphone Holder with Crystals: In cellphone community, this has to be the penthouse coveted by all cellphones, JLo's private suite. The sales are predicted to sky rocket in the hip hop music world where they have run out of teeth, belly buttons, purses and pets where they can put their bling on. Talking of bling and rappers, Fiddy Cent has decided to take on the Big Os(Oprah and Obama) declaring his support to Our Lady of the Nutcrackers, which comes next.
The manufacturer of Hillary Clinton Nutcracker guarantees that Ms.Clinton's stainless steel upper legs are studded with steel teeth that'll will crack nuts fast and easy(bet her opponents didn't know about this genetic anomaly of hers) and should be kept away from children under 12 years of age. If the lady wins the elections next year this'd be a fitting nome-de-plume for her, considering all the rival Presidential candidates are men.
One'd think this next item in the list should be given to not so vociferous people, but not so according to the manufacturers. It is an excellent gift for men whose existence began on the day they were dropped on to the fertile topsoil of their couches and have thrived there ever since.Considering their farthest transcontinental excursions have been to the refrigerator door, the Beer Mug with a Bell is almost like the second coming of The Dude or something.
Here's the manufacturer's ad for Beer Mug with a Bell, "Remember the last time you were sitting in front of the TV watching a game and you picked up your beer bottle, only to find it empty? You politely ask your wife/girlfriend to please bring you a beer and she pretends not to hear you. You graciously ask again in a little louder voice. Again, no response. Now, you're thirsty and tired of yelling and yelling so you decide to phrase it a little differently in a little louder voice. This time she hears you and all hell let's loose. She yells back some unprintable comment and the fight is on!
Now, we can save all that drama. Ring the bell and she will hear the sound and know that she needs to get up and get a beer for you. No more yelling and arguing, just a cold beer for the man of the house. Wasn't that a lot simpler? Save your marriage - buy a Beer Mug with Bell."
Couldn't have put it better. A must buy gift for all your friends in doomed marriages or rather, get this for all the married men you know and do not have deaf spouses.
You are welcome to add to this list of essential Christmas gifts with your own choice picks and the inventions we could not have done with out. Hail the creativity that accompanies Christmas!
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diffdrummer) wrote,
